Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions


-It’s one of our last
shows of the year. Can you believe it?
I mean, it’s been crazy. [ Cheers and applause ] I believe the end of the year
is a great time to reflect on what you’ve accomplished, and to take time to set your
goals for the upcoming year. So with that in mind, we asked
some of our friends of the show to share their New Year’s
resolutions with us. Take a look. My New Year’s resolution
is to finally change my passcode from 1-2-3-4 to 1-2-3-4-5-6. -To start reading the scripts
in advance instead of yelling “line”
on every single take. -I’m going to introduce
my catchphrase — “You just got smooved.” -Finally repair my relationship
with Queen Elizabeth. -To grow my hair out. But maybe I won’t because
I don’t really feel like buying a brush. -To stop listening
to murder podcasts like I’m doing research. And to just go for it.
You know? He deserves it. -To not eat directly out
of the garbage anymore. -I’m inventing a new breakfast
cereal called “Hunky Charms.” It’s just for body builders. -I’m going to add more
apostrophes to my name. A whole ass-load of them. -Start trusting
my instincts more. -To finally convince people to
stop calling them [bleep] pics and instead call them
screen peens. -To finally get my high school
ex to unblock me on Facebook. -To stop ending fights with
“This ain’t us!” -To finally ditch my childhood
imaginary friend. -To create the American tuck.
It’s simple. You tuck the front
of your shirt in and then spill ketchup
all over it. -Stop booking gigs on Cameo
as Val Kilmer. -When I pull up somewhere
in my car, I’m going to stop pretending to be somebody’s
Uber driver. -Stop calling masturbating
to vintage pornography as getting into my
“hot tug time machine.” -Stop talking about
farting on television because it’s making
my publicist really sad. -When the ball drops
in Times Square, that I do not say that my —
do that too. -I had a baby two and a half
months ago so my New Year’s resolution
is to play more golf. -To rip the FBI tag
off my mattress. -All right, usually I don’t have
a New Year’s revol– Ah, [bleep]. Apparently I need
to learn how to speak properly for my New Year’s “revolution.” -Stop spending so much time
looking at my phone in bed. That’s the whole reason
I bought the iPad. -Maybe make a New Year’s
resolution. -To stop with the resolutions! -Stop saying,
“That’s a no from me, dog.” -Hire whoever’s repping Kel. -To get some [bleep] sleep. -Happy New Year, baby. [ Laughter and applause ] -Thanks to everyone who shared
their New Year’s resolutions. I hope they all come true.

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

  1. "All right, usually I don't have New Year's revolu… Ah, bleep. Apparently I need to learn how to speak properly for my New Year's revolut…"
    🤣🤣🤣

  2. I hate to say this, because I love Lily as a person, but these shows just arent funny. Shes just recycling jokes over and over and it's so boring. The audience is so faked, and I honestly used to love her old skits. Here late night show isnt funny whatsoever. I want Lily to go back to her old videos. Please dont say it's just me?

  3. "To finally grow my hair out, but maybe I won't because I'll have to buy a brush"

    That, that right there is a BIG ASS MOOD😂

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