Dit is er gaande – Zondag met Lubach (S10)
Welcome to Zondag met Lubach, we’re back! We’ve got a new set, which is neat, right? There’s a door over there now, with a cloned version of myself behind it just in case something happens to me. Take a look, it’s quite convenient. You doing alright? It’s not your cue yet, though! You good? Alright, great! Maybe we’ll need him, you never know. Super useful. Anyway, quick recap for the millennials who only follow the news through this program. A short summary of everything going on in the world right now. The Brexit is actually coming close. There are a few new key players. These two are Boris Johnson and Donald Tusk. They are angry at each other because of Brexit. Maybe it’s good to explain who they are. Donald Tusk is the chief of Europe, not to be confused with Donald Trump… That’s an English-speaking blonde idiot… …Whom you shouldn’t confuse with Boris Johnson, a correctly English-speaking blonde idiot. I understand that it’s confusing, so I came up with a trick to memorize it. The elephant. It’s got Donald Tusk, since we’ve got the English word ‘tusk’… And Trump is derived from ‘trumpet’, the sound an elephant makes with its trunk. And the part between the anus and the tail of the elephant is called the ‘Boris Johnson’. This way you can tell them apart. Well, Donald Tusk was mad at Boris Johnson because the latter got into a fight with Angela Merkel… The Merkel is the part between an elephant’s uvula and the Boris Johnson. The fights is about Johnson wanting the UK out of the EU while he has no solution for Northern Ireland. That’s the part between your Dublin and your Boris Johnson. Boris’s most important adviser is this guy, Dominic Cummings… …And now that I’m looking at him… He’s not to be confused with Rudy Giuliani… Because that would be the lawyer who plays a role in Donald Trump’s bizarre Ukrainian matter… …Not to be confused with Donald Trump’s bizarre Slovenian matter. We’re talking about this guy, Dominic Cummings… …Who’s also not to be confused with Elijah Cummings, a Democrat who wishes to impeach Trump. And Elijah Cummings is not to be confused with Elijah Wood, who played Frodo in Lord of the Rings… …Which is where I was going with this, because you’ve also got this one, you know, “My Precious!” …And that one’s sometimes confused with Turkish president Erdogan…. ….Who invaded Syria this Wednesday. He invaded Syria after Donald Trump left there. So the Turks are fighting the Kurds… The Kurds are not to be confused with Koert Westerman, that’d be unfair… …The entire Turkish army versus one presenter from Fox. Fox Sports, that is, not Fox News… …Which would be Donald Trump’s favorite TV channel. So now Europe– you know, Donald Tusk’s Europe– is angry with Donald Trump, who’s saying, “Yeah, but Europe’s not sending troops either, so what are you whining about?” Which is actually quite a good point made by Trump, and that’s really confusing: A good point from Trump. Let’s focus on that for now. Because the Turkish invasion in Syria is well under way by now. “…And we do begin with breaking news: Turkey has launched a military offensive against the Kurds in Northeastern Syria…” “…Just days after President Trump said he was pulling US troops out of the region.” “An overwhelming wave of civilians trying desperately to get out of this town.” “Fearful for their lives.” Trump gave Erdogan free rein by suddenly taking his troops out of there. He explained this on Monday in an appropriate fashion: via Twitter. “Turkey and Europe, you guys go figure out what to do with the imprisoned ISIS fighters in your neighborhood, byeeee!” And not everybody saw that one coming. “These tweets were a surprise to the Netherlands as well as the other European countries.” And this confirms something I’ve suspected for quite a while, but was never able to prove: Donald Trump doesn’t wait for his tweets to be pre-approved by Stef Blok. I’ve always thought as much. But all of Europe had the shock of a lifetime when America suddenly left northern Syria. Because that means the Syrian Kurds are left to fend for themselves… …Which means Turkey is going to attack them, since they’re archenemies. The day my older brother graduated from school is the day my face started meeting the urinal on a daily basis. …Yeah, my natural hair color is actually not blonde. Anyway, those Kurds are important allies in the battle against ISIS. They’ve practically led the entire ground war and lost thousands of people. Just so we could keep our hands clean. And right now they’re guarding the prisoners of war. “Kurdic northern Syrian prisons are filled with former ISIS members.” “Europe– and the Netherlands– would rather not burn their hands on them.” “They therefore rely entirely on the Americans and the Kurds.” The Kurdic army is guarding about 11,000 captured ISIS fighters… …Of whom roughly 2,000 do not come from ISIS territories, but from, for instance, the Netherlands. And the Netherlands thinks it’s fine that they’re in there. “At the moment, it is the case in the Netherlands that we will not retrieve anybody that is currently in the combat zone.” Yeah, we don’t want have them back. Of course not. If they come back, they’ll start beheading people… …Which would be terrible, because it only plays into the hands of Wilders. We left the task of guarding the ISIS fighters to the Kurds, with the support of the Americans. But Trump said the following a year ago already… …And don’t be alarmed, it was Casual Friday. “There will be a strong, deliberate, and orderly withdrawal of US forces from Syria.” “Very deliberate, very orderly.” Yeah, so already almost a year ago, he announced “we will leave this place”. And of course, it’s still idiotic to just up and leave like that. But last June, Pete Hoekstra, US ambassador to the Netherlands… …Asked us if we’d like to send some troops there ourselves. Which he did, appropriately, via a letter to the editor. “We are optimistic that the Dutch, after all their criticism, will contribute to what they believe is necessary in Syria.” “Says the Ambassador of the United States in the Netherlands to De Volkskrant today.” Hoekstra was counting on the Netherlands to help . Which once again highlights how bad he the Netherlands, because we will not even consider it. “There’s no mandate for such a deployment…” “We’re still in the process of withdrawing our mission in Mali…” “Trump can tweet as he likes…” “American Ambassador to the Netherlands Hoekstra can write whatever he wants in the newspaper…” “The Netherlands will not be intimidated, is the message today.” Bam! We won’t be intimidated to act in our own self-interest… …to ensure that our own terrorists won’t escape! Do we look that smart to you? So the Netherlands doesn’t want to do anything without a people’s mandate… …Which means that, according to international law, we’re not allowed to just enter Syria. It’s a little bit as if America is busy putting out a burning house in our street… And then says, “Hey, why am I doing this? I don’t even live here!” “Here, grab this hose!” And then the Netherlands says, “Well, first of all, you could just ask that in a normal way…” “And second of all, you’re standing on somebody’s lawn, which is something we don’t do…” “I’m standing on your dangerous neighbor’s lawn, who set his own house on fire!” “Now grab that hose, ’cause I’m leaving!” “No, sorry, but we just came back from Mali, so…” “Okay, well bye!” And then the Netherlands yells, “Gee whiz, that maniac just walks away!” “Get back here, dickhead! What if it starts spreading?” And that fire will start spreading, because like it says in yesterday’s issue of De Volkskrant… Dutch ISIS-fighters in IS-camps are packing their bags to return to Europe! And you might wonder why is nobody doing anything; can’t NATO step in? Well, no, because, you see, something went a little bit wrong here… …Because Turkey’s in NATO! And then you think: just throw them out… But that’ll also be difficult, since we can’t. Although Minister Sigrid Kaag does seem to secretly have a plan: …And don’t be alarmed, it was Casual Thursday. “Moreover, the suspension of a member is, according to NATO-statutes, not technically possible in the current context…” “That would require a new NATO.” Clever! A new NATO! And then we won’t mention anything to the Turks. They will be thinking: “Boy, the meeting sure got quiet all of a sudden…” But we’ll be next door, at the FATO… The Fresh Atlantic Treaty Organization! Oh no, the FECO A Fine, Erdogan-free Civilized Organization! I’m sure someone is working on that But for the time being, our own Minister of Defense, Ank Bijleveld, is still busy being mad at Trump… And watch out, because it was Incognito Saturday. “I’m rather disappointed in regards to the usefulness of having allies.” And the only thing our government is doing against Erdogan is “not ruling out sanctions”. And the EU? Same story: not ruling out sanctions. Let’s have a look if that impresses Erdogan. I don’t speak Turkish myself, but I always pay attention to the body language and tone to see whether somebody is starting to get a little scared. (speaking Turkish) Alright, we’re fucked. Hello earthlings, Arjen Lubach here from planet Mozark. Happy Murilan everyone I don’t need any gifts but do quickly subscribe to our channel, that would be the decent thing to do. Yeah right? Click…. somewhere.