I Have Social Anxiety: John Green Solves Your Problems #77

all right I just want to start with an update on where we are this season we are in first question mark question mark question mark that's right after three games we have nine points despite being on professional skill level ahead of Chelsea not a surprise also ahead of Swansea City who have nine points from there three games very surprising and Watford it's it's a crazy table for those of you who know anything about about English football Liverpool are in 13th behind Everton what Spurs are in ninth Arsenal in eleventh and Manchester United just outside of the relegation zone with one point from three games the same 1 point that Manchester City has despite presumably continuing to spend three hundred million dollars a year on players so it's a weird time and we have a very winnable game today against Huddersfield Town one of the smallest teams and I mean overwhelmingly the ugliest kit Meredith look at that kid appreciate it I mean it's it's epic it's all like when I'm starting to think that third kit designers design their third kits to be ugly like that's what they're supposed to do alright we've got a we've got a question from Sam or a problem that I'm going to solve because I'm in the problem-solving business and Sam donated the project Crossan thank you Sam Sam writes I've come to the conclusion that I'm an extrovert with social anxiety I always thought I was an introvert but really I think it was my social anxiety do you have any tips on how I can be present in the world and around people without my brain telling me that everyone hates me you know aside from going to therapy well I mean no I think you do need to go to therapy like I think it's important so one of the things that I think a lot of us do when it comes to mental health is and I mean to some extent with physical health like I know I do this is we we're constantly kind of trying to diagnose ourselves or like understand ourselves in a matrix of wellness and unwellness and then also in other matrices that help us to understand ourselves and identify what's going on inside our brains and bodies because it's all very mysterious speaking of mysterious there is beautiful mr. manager a neo looking as mysterious as always so I'm starting the exact same starting 11 as in our previous game because it worked but slaughter was very disappointed that I didn't start him and you know what I told him I told him that he should be better at football if he wants me to start him he should get better at the game and that's where we left it so he's gonna get mad he's gonna ask for a transfer whining whining but look you're on the bench for the team that's first in the Premier League despite having 66 skill level shut up and be grateful you're making $3,000 a week life is good right so I think we're always trying to understand ourselves in this like both like when it comes like introvert extrovert matrix when it comes to like sick well you know whatever is that guy injured no I and I think those categories can be can be helpful at times I also think that they can be unhelpful why are they telling you to make a substitute oh he is injured flippin heck all right what's the injury it's just a band-aid but probably to be safe the funny thing is Trotter is still gonna complain about the fact that he didn't start even though he's coming on in the 6th minute so he's gonna be like I'm really disappointed not to start boss that's gonna be a direct quote what what are you doing Rafa relaf oh for the love of God rough with the flipping heck Rafa obviously I wanted you to pass it to our player like that oh my god well we're playing we're playing we're not playing like the best team in the Premier League that's for Jesus good lord thank God that guy's terrible and that guy's had two clear shots on goal and he's missed them both maybe maybe professional skill level isn't high enough maybe we need to go world class maybe we're a world class team I don't know anyway the I I think it can be helpful to think about like to understand ourselves as introverts or extroverts but I also think it can be kind of limiting because most of us are are both depending on circumstances right or at least I know I am like I'm usually oh wow that was a pretty good shot actually I think that was a lot too but usually I'm quite like I'm quite introverted I can spend a lot of time by myself I need to spend a fair amount of time by myself to feel well and to feel happy but like I don't think it's I I don't think it's like this super simple dichotomy where you're either X or Y is ball John Green hurt because that that I do not the hell he is I mean how can we have to injure Heath's in the first 20 minutes of the game oh it looks like oh no oh oh God Oh panic raw unadulterated everything worked out better than expected nope nope still panic back to panicking now we're good all right we've got to take off John Green he's way way too important to the team to risk an injury that means that it's time to bring on dick Oh is he our best player No is he our best player in this position who is not John Green yes so let's pick up you can see a very frustrated ball John Green there and then dick is saying you come this way but actually I haven't changed the tactics at all so don't don't don't do what dick oh just said stay where you are I want we are a tactically astute team we're a fine oiled machine don't mess with it get it to John Green that's good stuff so like I guess the first thing that I would submit is that you might be you you might be introverted in some ways and extroverted in other ways like it might not it it might not be purely social anxiety but it also might be but I also think that in general when we like diagnose ourselves and again like I'm as guilty of this as anybody we sometimes do ourselves a disservice because we may not we may not understand the situation as well as an expert would or even as well as like anyone from the outside would and so that is why I think it's really important if you're concerned about your health whether it's your physical health of your mental health to go and see a professional to understand to so that you can so that you can get some expert expert opinion on what's going on like I diagnosed I diagnosed myself with physical ailments on a regular basis but I I find that I'm often not as reliable as a doctor when it comes to figuring out what's wrong with me like I have a lot of you know like like like by googling things I can come to a lot of conclusions which often turn out to be oversimplified or incorrect and so I just think it's right so I know that I know that you don't want the tip go to go to therapy or you don't want the tip go to a psychologist or talk to your doctor but I think that is the tip in this situation and in any situation when your can and about your health like it I get I get why it's not what do you what the actual crap gum knee look mister manager in here just did something weird with his leg because he's so stressed out that was some epic epic just high-quality Hank games without Hank right there okay can you keep the ball in good whatever you do don't pass it to gum knee that guy's totally unreliable oh you did pass it to him alright that's this is not bad blue all the walls on the ball he's got some pace look at him he's just going back to his original position on the Left midfield it's good stuff there we go little crook little Crossfield action get the ball up the pitch a little bit pass shoot get right into his arms not not the no momentum but what are you gonna do life is full of disappointments so and and then so that's the first thing that I would say I like don't love going to the doctor any more than anyone else but I don't think you can get a reliable diagnosis without talking to professionals I just don't I wish that I'd known that earlier in my life because I feel like I lost a lot of time trying to solve problems that I just couldn't solve by myself and trying to understand my my mental health in ways that were limited because of my limited knowledge and so I think the other thing is that we're always learning about ourselves and we tend to see ourselves as static like we tend to see our personalities as static like you start out introverted and you end up introverted but there's a lot of research that that is not totally true you know that that people I I don't I don't I don't believe that our personalities are are static or that we are like fated to always be the people that we currently are I think people change and grow a lot over the course of their lives and and and and sometimes there's sometimes those changes make us you know more outgoing over time or more interested in social engagement over time than sometimes they sometimes they have the opposite effect like I think I actually needed more time with people sometimes I think back to when I was at boarding school or when I was in college I was almost never alone especially a boarding school like I was you know I I had you know 15 minutes alone per day maybe and now I very happily can spend like ten or twelve hours alone a day or more and and it's not a you know like it it doesn't bother me and in fact like it seems really essential to my wellness to have some at least some time alone every day and but that wasn't the case when I was 16 and it may not be the case when I'm 68 if I'm 60 who are we kidding I mean I hope I hope god I hope I live to be 60 I just I think I would I think I would I think I would be pretty good at old age I don't know I'm a complainer so maybe not but anyway I I don't think your personality is static and I don't think that like you know we you are necessarily always going to be I have the problems that you have now or have the challenges that you have now or even have the like wants and needs that you have now so that's the other thing to bear in mind all of that noted I do have some tips for handling or living with social anxiety because I don't think it's like the central locus of my anxiety but I mean like a lot of people I do feel anxious in social situations they are you know they're anxiety provoking the first thing is that I think part of the reason we feel anxious in social situations is because we have fewer social situations that this is a I might be wrong about this I think it's I I don't think the research is there yet to like to prove this but my own feeling and again it's just a feeling you know I'm gonna make that substitution just because I think companies had a bad game my own feeling is that we Oh God it's off the post my own feeling is that we use the social Internet and you know snapchat and whatever else partly as a as a way of like engaging with people socially without having to engage with people socially and that has the effect of making real-life social situations if you're more stressful it's got to be and it is oh my good golly Miss Molly its John Green nae Bennet is not sure what just happened but I don't regret it it's John Green makes a turn and then the Huddersfield player kind of like gives them a shove and that actually makes it easier for John Green to score and look at that ball rippled the back of the net mr. manager rainy Oh couldn't be happier and look at them look at the other substitutes he did that for his husband for his injured husband and you could see you could see if you looked closely that he pointed at the heavens but you know just for the record ball John Green isn't dead he's he just has it you just as it has a bit of a knock all right we're winning this is incredible we keep winning the other teams are hitting the post they're making mistakes they're getting one-on-one with the goalkeeper and all we do is win I love it we almost have enough points to stay up which was my initial goal for the season it's dick oh it's dick oh it's dick oh it's dick oh it's dick oh it's Ditka oh oh it's beautiful it's magnificent it's the Dickel of our memory those of you who've been around for many years will know that we've had dick oh so many times through the years over and over again and he never fails davia it's great it's beautiful it's magnificent it's not a great shot but the goalkeeper was very late to move and we're up to nil we're gonna win the game it's incredible I love football love FIFA I love AFC Wimbledon I love life anyway what I was gonna say is that social because we use these apps for social engagement rather than engaging in real life social situations a lot of times real life social situations start to feel more stressful because they're more rare and they feel like special and heightened and and and then that contributes to the way that they start to feel like sources of anxiety and so we avoid them and so when you have to do them they feel more like sources of anxiety and for me at least it becomes a bit of a vicious cycle and so one of the tips I have for dealing with social anxiety is to engage in more social situations if you can if you're comfortable and I know that that's difficult and I know that it takes work but it takes less work the more you do it by the way they just I mean Huddersfield can't find the goal to save their lives the other thing that I would say is that if you have really good friends which again takes time to develop doesn't not easy those social situations start to feel less like capital s capital s social situations and that makes them a little easier my last tip remember what my wife told me when we met 18 years ago the truest thing I've ever heard nobody's thinking about you because they're too busy thinking about themselves I find that very helpful in social situations all right we won the game dico with a goal everything is beautiful thanks for watching best wishes

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

  1. John most of the time a band-aid will go away after a few minutes you don’t need to make a substitution every single time someone gets a knock

  2. Hi, John! Thank you so much for answering my question (mainly because you had to lol). I forgot to mention that I've actually been to therapy and that the psychologist gave me a diagnosis of social anxiety, among other things. I just haven't been back to therapy because life and also it was free when I was a student and now I'm not. BUT, to update my situation since I wrote the question: I switched my antidepressants to a different SSRI and I'm seeing a therapist through BetterHelp, since it's more financially feasible than traditional. And let me tell y'all: seeking help for mental health is GREAT, 10/10 would do again. Anyway, thank you for confirming what I needed to know! Re: the extraversion spectrum, I agree that it's good not to pick one side because most people are a mix of extra/introversion. But I do find myself feeling better when I'm around people I'm comfortable with. oof this was long im so sorry if anyone is still reading this FDJKLFJKLSD

  3. Dicko: You could not live with your failures, and where did that bring you? Back to me. Excellent play from the Wimbly Womblies

  4. How do you feel about Myers Briggs personality? I feel that since I have looked into it that I understand myself better

  5. BOLD of you to assume medical professionals in the US are unanimous experts in anything other than paperwork lol

  6. For people with social anxiety, I recommend determining which specific social settings are anxiety inducing and which provide fulfillment and/or joy. If you love spending time with a friend in your own home, then do things to make that happen. If you have a lot of trouble with malls or busy streets, don't go out of your way to go to them and that is ok.

    But yeah, I recommend seeing a mental health professional.

  7. therapy is incredibly helpful, but its not accessible to everyone because of the cost. for that reason, just saying 'go to therapy' isnt always reliable advice

  8. Problem: I'm convinced I won't make friends in college because I'm terrible at navigating that period of time where no one knows each other and everyone has to act nice and be kind of fake for several weeks/months. Any friend-making help is appreciated πŸ™‚

  9. My advice for this situation is to try finding a social setting where you feel like you have some control. For me, that was sports. I'm good enough to feel like I'm actually contributing something to the team, and to feel like I have some control over the situation. Plus, the game at hand (1) gives me something in common with my teammates (even if we have NOTHING else in common!!), and (2) is a built-in topic of conversation. Which is great, because sometimes I really have a tough time carrying generic conversations. If you can find something similar, be it board games or video games or watching movies and providing sarcastic commentary…. you may be able to build up some confidence being around other people, with time.

  10. It might just be my personal experience, but I've found that when I sub people out for minor injuries (band-aids), I get an email from the team's personal trainer saying they'll be out for a while. But if I just let them play through the injury, they get over it in a few minutes of game time, and don't miss any future games. Again, I have no idea if this is how the game actually works, or is supposed to work, but my advice is to let players play through the minor injuries so you don't lose them for longer.

  11. Shades of Mo Salah from that Dicko goal! The way he got himself open, the perfect touch from the pass, the clinical finish! Phwoar! That's gonna be on Match of the Day!

  12. A Wimbly Wombly scored a goal and Dicko was his name-o!
    D-I-C-K-O and Dicko was his name-o!

  13. I thought I have adult ADHD or something but my doctor said it's some kind of OCD and gave me some pills and it's better now.

  14. While I also believe therapy can be very helpful, I've found you can't totally rely on it, and I have no qualms telling you what else has helped me lol. Obviously with the caveat that this is only general advice from a person on the internet and should be taken with a grain of salt.

    Firstly, start looking into any neurodivergencies mental issues you might have. The common ones are of course ADD/ADHD, ASD, OCD, and dyslexia. I've found the best way to do this is to see what other people with the conditions have to say about them and if it clicks it clicks. The reason this is better than just reading the symptoms is because when it's a person talking about their experience with it it's far easier to see in your own life than just reading some symptoms on a page without context. You also get the added benefit of not feeling alone in it. John and Rose and Rosie did a great videos on OCD, there's a guy called Aaron Ansuini on here that talks about ASD and ADHD, and there is another channel on here by Amythest Schaber that talks about ASD. These are of course only the ones that I know off the top of my head.

    Why is this relavant to social anxiety? Because all the neurodivergencies have different ways that our brains work, we often get beaten out of doing the things we need to do to manage our mental health, and by realizing we're neurodivergent we can start doing what we need too again. When we're not doing them it causes general issues in the brain, which can manifest in things like social anxiety. For example, ASD people that start stimming again will often say it feels like a superpower because your brain starts working properly for the first time in years. When I started it definetly helped with literally all the problems I had, even physical pain.

    "But Jim Jong Jung, shouldn't you only get a diagnosis from a doctor?"

    No, and I'll tell you why. They miss shit. Unless they specialize in neurodivergencies they are absolutely horrendous at diagnosing them. Many people have been told they can't be autistic because they're adults or married, or able to talk, or aren't an exact copy of Sheldon Cooper or Rainman. Which is all obviously bs. Even the ones that specialize can miss shit. I'm very obviously OCD and have been my whole life. I've also been in and out of therapists my whole life. I was never told I had OCD. I randomly watch John's video on it and boom, instant realization that's me. After doing more research to confirm my OCD is noticeably less powerful now because I know it's just my brain messing with me, whereas before I was totally taken with the thought's and believed them to be totally true.

    Also, most places a diagnosis will cost you $1500 if you don't have insurance, which is not accessible for a lot of people. And an official diagnosis can cause problems if you want to immigrate somewhere or end up in a custody battle. The custody battle one is particularly true for men with ASD.

    Also for more general stuff on how to manage anxiety without Doctors (again, they can be a good option), there's lots of stuff you can do.

    Not expecting yourself to be perfect and allowing yourself to interact as you are. For me a lot of social anxiety was me expecting myself to talk and move like the other hairless apes. Once I relaxed that a little bit it got a lot easier to be in public. Though you still have to respect your brain and how it works. I'll never be the kind of person that is a super extrovert kind of thing.

    There's plenty of studies showing that exercise can greatly help manage anxiety and depression. Not crazy amounts of it either, like a brisk 20min walk can make a big difference. If you can't do that just start where you're at.

    Probiotics. Again, plenty of studies showing they help with anxiety and depression. You can get the pills or any of a number of fermented foods. Some of the foods are actually really easy to make at home as well.

    Vitamins. There's also a number of studies showing that taking a general multivitamin can increase functioning. This would of course be especially true if your diet is limited due to poverty, executive functioning, or sensory issues. There's also strong evidence that magnesium is good for anxiety. With it though you have to check the dose though. There are pill with more magnesium in them than doctors recommend taking in a day. Of course also check how much magnesium is in your multivitamin, though it's usually not that much.

    There's also all kinds of supplements people have had success with. Always be careful with those though, as some of them can cause damage with long term use. So be sure to do your research before you try anything.

  15. I love getting advice in this format because it’s like talking to my dad while he’s watching a game. You’ll get the advice but he’ll keep getting distracted too.

  16. I'd say it's important to go to that first therapy session, it will take the fear and stigma out of therapy and as long as you show up and are open minded it will probably be quite beneficial.

  17. I am so not both. I am extraordinarily introverted haha like easily a 90/10 split. I have never been like 'man, I need to talk to someone or be around people now' XD

  18. John giving advice:
    β€œCan you give me advice other than therapy?”

    β€œWell I mean… no.”

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