I Was Almost A School Shooter | Aaron Stark | TEDxBoulder


Translator: Bob Prottas
Reviewer: Leonardo Silva I was almost a school shooter. In 1996, Denver, Colorado,
I was a student in North High. In a moment of pain and anger,
I almost committed a terrible atrocity. Growing up I’d learned early on there was a strange comfort
and calmness in darkness. I was always the new kid. My family was violent and aggressive,
drug-addicted parents. We were moving from place to place,
went to 30 or 40 different schools, always seemed to be going
to a new school every other week. You woke up at 4 o’clock
in the morning by cops, to run across the country to end up
at a school for a couple of weeks and then have to do it all again
a couple of days later. I was the perpetual new kid, and since I
also had such an unstable household, I wasn’t helped by the fact that I smelled
really bad because I never had a shower, or didn’t really have any clean clothes. All my clothes were dirty and torn. I liked comic books at a time
when kids didn’t really like people who liked comic books that much. So every time I went to a new school
I was in a new set of bullies. They’d walk up to me and shoot me
with a harpoon, like I was a whale, or dump food on my head
because they said I was too fat. But the bullying wasn’t just at school.
It happened at home a lot too. I was told that I was worthless
by just about everybody in my life. When you’re told you worthless enough
you will believe it, then you’re going to do everything
to make everybody else agree with it too. I wrapped that darkness around me
like a blanket, used it as a shield. It kept the few who agreed with me close,
but it kept everybody else away. I always had heard in life
that there was good and bad people. I must be one of the bad people. So I guess I’d have to just do
what I was supposed to do. So I got really aggressive. At 12 or 13-years-old
I got really into heavy metal music, and I was the mosh pit
when I went to concerts. The abuse just never seemed to stop. I got into cutting around 14 or 15 because I figured that there was all this
extreme emotion going on in my life I had absolutely no control over. I had to find some way
to find control over something so I took to cutting myself. I still have the scars to this day. At 15, 16 years old, I ended up homeless. My parents had kicked me out because I didn’t want to deal
with their drunken fighting, so I was living on the streets. I thought I had pushed
all my other friends away, shoved them all away
by lying to them or stealing from them, doing everything that my family
taught me how to react, which was the completely
wrong way how to react. But I had no idea.
I was just doing what I was taught. Finally, at 16 years old, I’m sitting
in my best friend’s shed, who I thought I’d already pushed away too
by stealing from him and lying to him. Lying in this shed
with the roof wide open, with rain pouring down on me
into a grungy chair that was covered in cobwebs and dirt
which hadn’t been touched in months. And I’m sitting there with my arm
covered in blood, knowing that if I didn’t do something
I was going to kill myself soon. So, I did the only thing
I could think of to do: I grabbed a phonebook,
and I called social services. So I went to social services. Sadly, they didn’t just bring me in there,
they also took my mom in there too, who happened to be one of the largest
sources of my pain growing up. Since she had spent her life
running from place to place and dealing with social workers
and police officers, she knew exactly what to say
to get them to believe that I was making it all up, it was just an act,
I was just doing it for attention. Then they sent me home with her. And as they sent me home with her,
she turned to me and she said: “Next time, you should do a better job
and I’ll buy you the razor blades.” My heart just got ripped out
of me at that point. The darkness I’d been staring at
for so long, I ran headlong into it. I had nothing left to live for. I literally had nothing to lose. And when you have nothing to lose
you can do anything, and that is a terrifying thought. I had decided that my act
of doing something was I was going to express
my extreme anger and rage by getting a gun. I was going to attack either my school
or a mall food court. It really didn’t matter which one. It wasn’t about the people,
it was about the largest amount of damage in the shortest amount of time
with the least amount of security. Both those places were the right targets. So I wish I had a better story
about actually getting a gun, but that was actually
brother-business-like. There were gangbanger kids
near my school back in the mid ’90s when gangs were still a major problem
in North Denver schools. This kid had seen me, he knew my family
and he’d sold drugs to them before. He knew that I wasn’t really in school,
I was just always at school. He knew I wasn’t a narc
or anything like that. I didn’t know anything but a first name.
That didn’t take more than that. I knew they had access to guns,
they talked about it all the time. I said: “Hey, can you get me a gun?”
“Sure, get me an ounce.” “All right, give me three days.” That was it. I was waiting to get myself a gun
so I could kill a lot of people. But thankfully
I wasn’t alone in that darkness. That best friend who had saved me
when I was sleeping in the shed, he saw this place that I was in. Even though I had stolen
from him and lied to him and taken his belongings
and ruined it all, he didn’t care, he still brought me in
and showed me acts of kindness. Just simple acts. It wasn’t the kind of overbearing
kindness where they say: “Is there anything I can do for you? can I do something to make you better? How can I help you?” It was just sitting down next to me. “Hey, would you like a meal?
Let’s watch a movie.” He treated it like it was a Tuesday.
He treated me like I was a person. When someone treats you like a person
when you don’t even feel like a human, it’ll change your entire world,
and it did to me. He stopped me with his acts of kindness
from committing that atrocity that day. If you see someone who’s in that spot
that needs that love, give it to them. Love the ones you feel
deserve it the least because they need it the most. It’ll help you just as much
as it helps them. We’re in a really dangerous spot now
with this trend of arming the teachers, looking out for the kids who might
be a threat in schools, and maybe turning them in to the FBI. What’s that going to do to a kid who’s
in the position I was 25 years ago? Who’s alone, and depressed, and abused, and is just sitting there hurting, and someone thinks that they’re a threat? He gets turned in to the FBI, and one month of pain
turns into a lifetime of legal trouble because one person thought
he was going to be a problem. Instead of looking at that kid
like he’s a threat, look at him like he might be a friend, like you might be able
to bring him into the fold. Show him that it’s just a Tuesday.
Show him that he is worth it. Show him that he can exist in this pain
even though it’s intense, that at the end of it, there is a light
at the end of the tunnel. I found my light. Now I’m a happy family man.
I am a father of four. My wife and my daughter
are in the audience today. (Applause) And even bigger than that, the friend who saved my life,
he’s in the audience today too. Because friendship
doesn’t ever really die. (Applause) We have to give love to the people
who we think deserve the least. Thank you. (Applause)

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

  1. Unfortunately now, it's not just bullied kids who commit mass shootings, it's also fascists. The government is dithering while Rome burns

  2. I'm so glad to see the comments on this video have gotten better. People were so cruel last time I watched this.

  3. To all those who didn't TRULY listen to this talk…..
    To all those who TRULY hate Trump….. Hear me now.
    It is the most sensitive of us HUMANS who have the potential of becoming the most HEINOUS of people. As an Uncle of two white sis gendered males (who played no role in past atrocities) Consider the repercussions HATE over Love and understanding. "In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them…. I destroy them."

  4. I keep saying it's the parents and the community not the weapons or the policies to blame. This man has some serious guts to say so.

  5. I appreciate this man, his story, and the abuse he had to endure. However, we cannot be responsible for anyone's violent behavior. Sure, people should be kinder and bullying is a real issue we need to address further. But at the end of the day, a mass shooter is a killer, not a victim. That being said, who knows if this man would have gone through with it. I would guess not. Respect for his story.

  6. Why are there no woman shooters? Are they somehow stronger and more resistant to all of this? Are men just having a terribly dificult time adjusting to society? More than women?

    Yes. The pressure on men is off the charts. We have it the worst.

  7. That's why I was friends to everyone, including the kids that every one bullied. I freaking hate bullies and that includes parents that are bullies!

  8. Now carry that abuse out of the home and have it inflicted relentlessly upon you for decades, society telling you you've got it all while it strips you of everything, laughing in your face and screaming "good you deserve it" when you fall upon terrible hardships, a life utterly devoid of comfort and kindness as everybody calls you privilleged and you'll get a mild idea of why these young men decide to end their lives in a flurry of murder and violence.

  9. To buy and own a gun you need a permit (at least where i live) but to make a child and educate him no . WHAT ???,

  10. aron : all right, its my turn
    aaron : hold up ! i have two (a)s , and i was almost a school shooter
    aron :

    aaron : cool thanks

  11. There is big problem with the white youth of America today and innocent people are dying because of it. This man was NOT mentally ill as a teenager. He was abused and mistreated. Mental illness in just a cop out for gun happy politicians to use.

  12. He seems like a good person, even with all the pain and trauma there's light within him. I'm genuinely really happy that he chose to stay alive

  13. In 1986, I was almost a school shooter. Long story short, my father kept his gun locked in his vehicle and i could never scheme a way to get it. I would have started at home and then continued at school.

    P.S. I broke into the school late at night on a weekend, vandalized some things and started a fire. I escaped into the woods and watched as the firetrucks eventually showed. I never went back to high school. I got my G.E.D. and joined the military. I confess all this because I know that no one will bother reading all of this and I've been too vague for anyone to work out the details. Anyway, I take Lithium and other meds for my mood instability. My dark inner voice is always there. It builds up over time and I have to purge it. Then I can relax for a while (months/years) before I start to hear it again.

  14. Like many of you have said he has guts. But guys mostly know what it's like to hide emotions like that. I know women who do the same just more common in men. Growing up a lot of people in their 40s remember seeing their dad cry for the first time because it's so taboo. Let alone this guy who did it while admitting that he nearly was a school shooter

  15. I can relate… But this guy has massive balls to speak on his experience. I grew up in a similar fashion, minus the abusive parents. I was exposed to drugs and alcohol at a young age hence growing up around it.

    But I always saw myself as the school anti-bully in every school I went to and I found strength in that! The fact that I knew my mother loved me and she showed it… That truly kept me from going down a very dark path. Sometimes love is the answer, pointing fingers only makes the feelings worse!

  16. Things only white people need to give speeches about and people clap for them like “oh well thank god you didn’t shoot up a school” like it’s normal.

  17. Oh Lord, I'm crying so badly. I wish you the best of this life from the bottom of my heart. Your kids can be so proud to have you as a father. Ive been bullied to in school and it can get really dark. Soooooo glad you found your way out. You my friend are a true role model. Wow, God bless you and your loved ones. Salute and much love from Germany. ❤️

  18. People: School shooters are terrible.
    Also people: We need more guns because its our right!

    If you think guns are okay then you need just as much mental help as the school shooter.

  19. I wasn't near mass shooting level sadness, but I understand how true friends can lift your spirits when you feel low in your soul. May you continue to heal and love Aaron.

  20. he WAS the mosh pit I burst out laughing it’s great he has told his story and he is strong and brave and inspiring but that one thing had me dead them mosh pits are dangerous.

  21. This guy literally made a good argument for gun free zones being the most dangerous place on earth.
    He said he wanted to do the most damage in the shortest amount of time with the least resistance.
    His answer? School or the mall.

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