Lilly Cheers Up Colin Kaepernick, Kid Rock with Gift Stockings


-Now, as you know, one of
my favorite things to do on this show is to cheer people
up who are having a hard time. I usually send them
gift baskets. But in the spirit
of the holidays, we’re going to do a special
edition of this segment I like to call “Gift Stockings.” [ Cheers and applause ] And today I have one of Santa’s
helpers here to give me a hand. [ Snaps fingers ] Ay! There he is. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. I know what you’re thinking. He was under the desk
that whole time. Questionable. I know. [ Laughter ] First gift stocking is for Martin Scorsese’s Netflix
movie “The Irishman.” If you haven’t seen it yet,
“The Irishman” is a new gangster movie starring some of
our favorite movie gangsters, like Robert De Niro,
Al Pacino, and Joe Pesci. [ Cheers and applause ] Warning — if you have A.D.D.,
this movie is not for you. [ Laughter ] Without further ado, here’s our next gift stocking
for “The Irishman.” First, here’s a framed
side by side of Joe Pesci at the beginning of the movie
and at the end. [ Laughter and applause ] This is also you before
and after sitting through 3 1/2 hours of nonstop dialogue and boomers
murdering each other. [ Laughter ] Next, here’s a note
from your future self. [ Clears throat ] It says,
“To whom it may concern, you could have watched
‘Goodfellas.’ You didn’t need to watch
‘The Irishman’ when you could have watched
‘Goodfellas,’ ya idiot!” [ Laughter and applause ] Next time, next time. And here’s a prescription
for Viagra. [ Laughter ] It’s the only way
you’ll be able to stay excited for almost four hours. Enjoy your gift stocking,
“The Irishman.” [ Cheers and applause ] Happy holidays. Next we have a gift stocking
for Colin Kaepernick. Now, Colin Kaepernick recently
completed a 40-minute workout in front of reps
from eight NFL teams. Kaepernick hasn’t played
professionally since becoming a political and social
figurehead in 2016, standing up to injustice by kneeling
during the national anthem. Yep.
[ Cheers and applause ] And despite his stellar
performance at the workout, he was passed over
by all of the NFL teams, including the Detroit Lions. Well, don’t worry, Colin. We’ve
got a gift stocking for you. First, here’s a membership
to a dating app of your choice. The NFL may not want you, but the rest of us
are very interested. [ Cheers and applause ] Holla. Next, here’s a completely
fake news article about how you beat
your significant other. We know you would never do this, but if the NFL
sees this fake headline, they will welcome you back
with open arms. [ Audience ohs ] Because according to them,
kneeling for the anthem is a million times worse
than beating your wife. Good job, NFL. Good job. And finally —
Oh, this is a good one. Here we go. Here’s $15. The Lions may not
have signed you, but this will come in handy in case you still want to
buy a house in Detroit. [ Audience ohs ]
Enjoy your stocking, Colin. [ Cheers and applause ]
I love you, buddy. Next we have a gift stocking
for the one, the only Kid Rock. [ Laughter ] In case you missed it, Kid Rock went on a drunken rant
at his concert. Not only was he
beyond intoxicated, but he spewed racist,
hateful comments about our queen, Oprah Winfrey. Well.
[ Audience boos ] -Boo.
-Boo is right. Alfie says boo. Kid Rock, here’s a stocking
just for you. First, here’s
a breathalyzer microphone. [ Laughter ] If you blow anything over a
zero, the microphone won’t work. So keep drinking. It’s a win-win for all of us. [ Cheers and applause ] Next, here’s a copy of
“O Magazine.” [ Laughter ] One of Oprah’s many business
ventures that have made her a successful billionaire, while
you remain a sweaty bigot. [ Cheers and applause ] Can we be real? Kid Rock,
you look like a rabid ferret was morphing into a human but
just didn’t make it all the way. You know?
[ Laughter ] You feel me?
Good reading, good reading. Next, here’s a calendar. It’s from 2002, which is the last time anyone
bought one of your albums. [ Audience ohs ]
Ah. [ Applause ]
Oh, goodness. And finally,
here’s some shampoo, because, girl, ya hair needs it! Come on!
[ Cheers and applause ] Enjoy your gift stocking,
Kid Rock. That was “Gift Stockings,”
everybody. Give it up for my helper Alfie.

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

  1. Yes early again.I can't stop watching all your videos,its a obsession now. I just talk about u at school .
    Lots of love Lilly πŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ’Ÿ

  2. Not surprised Lilly would be kissing Colin Kaepernick’s ass. They have a lot in common both being unAmerican spoiled douchebags that need attention.

  3. RT Audience: 22%
    IMDb Score: 2 / 10
    Yep — worst late night host/show ever created. Astoundingly unfunny! That in itself is some sort of achievement, I'm fairly sure.

  4. Lilly should you really be roasting the Irish man? It has an 8.2 imdb score compared to this show which is a 2. Also making fun of such movies don’t make you relatable. Just saying. Good luck with your show and get better Writers please I beg you

  5. Is the comment section full of middle schoolers ?
    There was nothing funny what she said , even the audience is laughing whatever she says .

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