Lilly Singh Is Getting Old.
-Now, I have something
to confess tonight, okay? And I was struggling with
whether or not I should even tell you this
because I don’t like attention. Obviously, I’m in the spotlight. [ Laughter ] But today is my birthday. [ Cheers and applause ] Okay, okay.
I’m not gonna lie. I for sure thought this was a
surprise party when I came out. Okay? I’m like, “NBC isn’t gonna make
me work on my birthday.” L-O-L-O-L. But here I am. I woke up at 6:00 a.m., and when I got here, there was
someone in my parking spot. [ Laughter ] Yep. But I do turn 31 today. So, you know —
[ Cheers and applause ] It’s not that hype.
It’s not that hype, okay? I turn 31 today,
which means I’m now the age of one of those
delusional people who will say things like,
“30s are the new 20s.” [ Laughter ] Only old people
say those things, okay? And if you ever meet
a guy in his 30s who says, “30s are the new 20s,” all he’s
saying is, “I do cocaine!” [ Laugher ] Now, I know a lot of people
at home are thinking, “31? Pff, that’s not old.” Thank you so much. [ Laughter ]
Okay? But let’s be real. That’s what society
makes you feel like, right? I mean, let’s face it. There are no more good
milestones to look forward to. At 16, you can drive. 18, you can vote. 21, you can drink. And then 25, you’re allowed
to rent a car, presumably to drive it off
a cliff because really, after 25, why go on?
[ Laughter ] Okay? You know how —
[ Laughs ] You know how I know I’m old?
Hmm? The first thing I think when
I wake up in the morning is, “What did I do yesterday?” [ Laughter ] Because my whole body hurts. [ Laughter ] Oh, that’s right. I just lived my life and did
nothing out of the ordinary. [ Laughter ] When I was a kid,
I played so hard I had injuries
I didn’t even know about. [ Laughter ] But now, my body tells me about the injuries
before they even happen. [ Laughter ] I — I swear.
I’ve legit thrown my back out just by looking at
a heavy grocery bag. [ Laughter ] But you still know
I’m-a do it in one trip. Ahh.
[ Laughter ] Now, don’t even get me started
on getting white hairs. No, no, no. You know what pisses me off? When I meet someone,
usually a guy, okay, who says something like, “Ugh,
getting white hairs is awesome. Makes me so seem so wise.” [ Laughter ] Yeah, ’cause men turn into
George Clooney, okay? But at the first sight of
a white hair on a woman, she turns into that old lady who tries to give you
apples on Halloween. [ Laughter ] Now, finding white hair
on your head is one thing. But finding white hair on your
body is a whole different story. But I will say that my vagina has never looked more
distinguished. [ Laughter and applause ] Ah. One way I’m constantly —
You liked that. You liked that.
[ Laughter ] Good, I’m glad we can both laugh
about this moment. We’ll exchange selfies
after this. Um —
[ Laughter ] One way I am constantly reminded
that I’m getting older is people telling me
I should freeze my eggs. I mean, if you’re a woman, you’re bombarded with
this message nonstop basically from the age of 25. Am I right? Nothing makes you feel older
than your doctor telling you it’s time to start harvesting
your body parts. [ Laughter ] And here’s the thing about
freezing your eggs. It’s a gamble. You have to put yourself on
hormones, gain 20 pounds, spend tens of thousands of
dollars only to roll the dice on a 50/50 chance of actually
getting pregnant. Yep. It’s like Vegas
except you can’t get drunk and you’re the only one
taking your pants off. [ Laughter ] And let me tell you.
I’m not into it, though. I’m gonna save my money. Let’s be real. I’m a millennial, okay? All of my eggs
have been fried by Wi-Fi. [ Laughter ] And yours have too. [ Laughter ] Now, you can tell
how old you are by which social-media platform
you use. Yeah. Instagram — you’re still young
enough to post bikini pics. Okay. TikTok — You’re too young! Please go to bed or I will be
contacting your legal guardian. Okay? Twitter —
You’re probably over 30. And Facebook —
I’m sorry to tell you this, but you died several years ago. [ Laughter ] Now, I don’t want to
get too serious, but I swear the older you get, the more you wish you had
someone to grow old with. You know what I mean? But as you get older, there are
fewer and fewer options in the dating pool, and nobody
wants to do the breaststroke. Okay? What does that joke even mean?
[ Laughter ] I just wanted to say the word
“breast” because — [ Laughter ] Besides, have you ever seen
an old couple walking in a — [ Laughter ] Besides, have you ever seen an
old couple walking arm in arm? I mean, it looks cute at first. But if you look closer,
she’s got a bad hip and he’s got a bad knee, and they’re really just holding
each other up at that point. You know? It’s like two drunks
outside of a bar at 3:00 a.m. [ Laughter ] But at least they have
each other. [ Audience aws ] Wow, sentimental, okay. [ Laughter ] As you get older,
have you also noticed it becomes so much harder
to make friends? Like, as a teen, you made
friends by bonding over things that you had in common, like strict parents or finding
new music you liked. Now I’m like, “Wait, you have
one really long hair growing out of your chin, too?
Same, same!” [ Laughter ] Getting older means you have to
keep yourself healthy. I couldn’t do that
when I was young. But how are we supposed to be
healthy when my generation grew up with this
as our food pyramid? That’s way too much bread,
y’all! [ Laughter ] This isn’t a guide
for being healthy. It’s a tutorial on
how to get your body to look like that pyramid.
[ Laughter ] Got to get healthier. Now, on the flip side,
it isn’t all bad getting older. I mean, sure, there’s wrinkles. There’s night sweats. There’s, you know, that thing
when your neck melts slowly and turns into a turkey gobble. [ Laughter ] What makes it all worth it is when you get
that cancellation text. Yeah, nothing feels better
than when you’re old and tired and you get to cancel plans. [ Laughter ] I also find that I’m
way less judgmental now. Because, yeah, my age, I know no one’s about
to change for the better. You know? How you are is how you are. You’re fully cooked, my friend. [ Laughter ]
Okay? So now you just
sit back and wait for the sweet relief
of menopause, which I’m personally really
looking forward to because then my mom will finally stop
asking me when I’m having kids.