Parenthood Is JUST Like SoulCycle

-Y’all, listen up, listen up. Right now, a lot of my friends
are having kids, which honestly
is really selfish. No one even asked me how I felt
about them having kids. Friends with kids, listen up. It should be illegal
to post a picture of your baby as soon
as it’s born. [ Laughter ] I mean, throw it on the Gram
when they turn two, but no one needs to see them
when they’re five minutes old and still damp
from being inside you. I don’t wanna see that.
Enough. I mean, can you relate? My friends are obsessed with
their kids being special. They’ll post a video
of their kids spitting up,
and then they’ll be like, “This much vomit is very
advanced for its age.” [ Laughter ] And they’re always writing the
kids age on a chalkboard. You ever seen this? And not in the normal way like
he’s one year and one month. No, they’re like,
“Anika isn’t talking yet. She’s only 427 days.” [ Laughter ] They also out the baby’s hobbies
on a little chalkboard, like, “Little Carlos’ hobbies
include eating, sitting and looking at his mommy.” [ Laughter ] Yo, how are those hobbies? You’re the setting the bar
a little too low. I mean, you’re going
to be so disappointed when Carlos grows up to be a
professional mommy watcher. Just saying. [ Cheering ] But it’s not just online. Try going out
with your parent friends. [ Laughter ] There’s a huge difference
between hanging out with friends that are on their first kid
and friends that are on their second or third. First kid friends are always
such a buzzkill when we go out. I mean, they don’t take any
shots, and then they’re like, “Hey, we have to go home
and feed our child.” Pfft, losers. [ Laughter ] But no one’s more fun
than a mom on her second kid who’s taking the night off.
[ Cheering ] I mean, she’s paying
a babysitter $20 an hour to get out of the house. She’s gonna make it count.
[ Cheers and applause ] She’ll be like, “we can’t go
home yet, it’s only 11:30. Let’s do ten more shots
and rob a Taco Bell.” [ Laughter ] I understand why my friends
wouldn’t want me to spend too much time
with their kids, though. I’m not great
at talking to them. They’ll be like, “Auntie Lilly,
I’m a dolphin!” And I’m just like, “Well, that
means you’re dead with a stomach full of plastic bottles, Donte.
The oceans are dying. [ Audience “oh’s”
God! Don’t you go to school?”
[ Laughter and applause ] But kids also have no filter. You know,
kids just tell you like it is. I never put more effort
into my appearance than when one
of my friends tells me they’re bringing their kid. [ Laughter ]
Yeah. Little Ryan might have thought
I looked like Squidward last time,
but I went to Sephora and he’s going to tell me
I look like the Princess that I am today! You better believe it. [ Cheers and applause ] Although, there are some perks
to hanging out with kids. When you suggest having ice
cream for dinner, they’re like, “Yay, Auntie Lilly.
You’re the coolest!” Instead of, “Lilly, the breakup
was six months ago. You can’t keep doing this.” [ Laughter ] But you know, I am excited
to have kids of my own. Eventually. It seems like women
are constantly pressured to have them. It’s like how everyone tells you
you have to do SoulCycle, but in this case SoulCycle
lasts forever and takes all your money.
[ Laughter ] So, yeah.
Basically, just SoulCycle. So in the end,
I don’t have a problem with friends who have kids as long as they don’t
make you boring. I guess my ideal scenario
is that you have one kid, and then another kid,
and then another kid, until you have enough kids
to staff a bar. Because if you want me
to hang out with your sticky little clone, I’m going
to need a drink, y’all.

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

  1. What's worse than hanging out with ur married friends with kids? Having friends who talk shit about your kids and how you choose to parent them βœŒπŸΌπŸ˜™

  2. As my daughter would say, Shots Fired. My daughter will be posting my 10 month old granddaughters likes and dislikes. 😊😊

  3. Not to speculate but like am I the only one that thinks she might be ready to have a kid? Like first the adopting video and now this. She is clearly hinting at having children

  4. Lilly, please roast parents who feel the need to bring their babies ON A PLANE ON A HOLIDAY. As if those toothless creatures will remember ANYTHING about it.

  5. Laugh track clearly being excessively used during this monologue segment. There was not one joke worth laughing at if you're over the age of 14 πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™‚οΈ

  6. :028 was that a glitch?

    And wow, the bit about the mom with the second kid was actually almost funny. Closest she's ever got to making me laugh.

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