[ Cheers and applause ] -This is how it works. I’m gonna read you a joke
or a pitch that was rejected. And then I’m gonna ask you
whether we should save it or… shred it!
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. Are y’all ready?
How y’all feel? Y’all feel good?
Y’all feel good? Isn’t this fun?
-Yes! -Okay. Here we go.
First up. Here is a joke that was rejected
from our monologue about relationships.
[ Clears throat ] At the start of a relationship, you’re both trying not to show
how you really feel. It’s like you’re playing poker, and if you win,
you get to poke her. [ Laughter ] Who wrote this joke? [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]
Okay. Make some noise if you think
we should save it. [ Loud cheers and applause ] Make some noise if you think
we should shred it. [ Cheers and applause ] Did you just get saved? [ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, my goodness. Marina, give her a poke for me. Boing!
[ Laughter ] There you go. All right, this audience
seems like a nice one. You guys…
All right, this next joke was rejected from a monologue
about long hair. Okay, here we go.
[ Laughter ] When you have long hair,
it constantly sheds. True. My hair falls out
all over my house. And then it’s like
they all find each other and form into a tumbleweed. Or I guess
it’s more like a tumbleweave. [ Light laughter ] That’s pretty good.
I won’t lie, that’s pretty good. That’s pretty good.
Well, let’s see. If you think we should save it,
make some noise. [ Cheers and applause ]
Okay. If you think we should shred it,
make some noise. [ Silence ] [ Laughter ]
[ Audience “Ohs” ] -Oh, my God.
-You must all be Canadian out here,
’cause you got saved again. [ Cheers and applause ]
Okay. How much
you paying these people? [ Laughter ] ‘Cause I know
we don’t pay you a lot, so I don’t know
how much you paying them. [ Laughter ] All right, here we go. This next rejected joke
is about beauty. There was a person in Miami
who posed as a doctor and gave women butt implants that were made
out of literal cement. Yeah, instead of booty go clap,
it was booty go crack. [ Light laughter ] Don’t booties already go crack? If you think we should save it,
make some noise. [ Cheers ]
One individual. [ Laughter ] Is that your sister, Mona?
[ Laughter ] If you think we should shred it,
make some noise. [ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, well… [ Cheers ] Booty go crack, crack, crack,
crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack,
crack, crack, crack, crack! [ Laughter ]
[ Shredder motor whirring ] [ Laughter ] Wow, this machine
really hated that joke. This next joke was rejected from
our monologue about weddings. Weddings are interesting. You get all dressed up,
invite all your friends and family so you can walk down
the aisle and publicly announce, “This person and I are banging.” [ Light laughter ] Y’all some sad peoples.
[ Laughter ] If you think we should
save this, make some noise. [ Cheers and applause ] If you think we should shred it,
make some noise. [ Loud cheers and applause ] Let this be the sound
of you and that person banging as you walk down the aisle.
[ Shredder motor whirring ] [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] Oh. Here’s another one. A 13-year-old scientist
may have designed a better version
of Elon Musk’s Hyperloop. But because they’re 13,
it’s just a regular Hyperloop with a pair of boobs drawn on. [ Light laughter ] Who wrote this? This is Chelsea,
our newest writer. [ Cheers and applause ] Make some noise
if you think I should save it. [ Quiet cheers ]
[ Laughter ] Wait, wait. He looks like the type of guy that would draw the boobs
on the Hyperloop. [ Laughter and applause ] Straight up.
[ Applause ] Straight up. Make some noise if you think
I should shred it. [ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, yeah. Ay, ay.
[ Shredder motor whirring ] Get shredded good.
Yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
Yeah. Here’s a rejected joke
about video games. So much has changed
since I first started playing video games.
It’s hard to keep up. I mean, Twitch was something
I used to do in my sleep. [ Light laughter ] Whose dad wrote this joke?
[ Laughter ] Make some noise if you think
I should save it. -Whoo!
[ Laughter ] Don’t make some noise. Do not —
Did you make some noise? Security?
[ Laughter ] Make some noise if you think
I should shred it! [ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, yeah. [ Shredder motor whirring ] Whoo! [ Laughs ] Hi. We have two more. Time flies
when you’re having fun. Now this next one is a game
pitch called “Slangman.” [ Laughter ] It’s like “Hangman,”
but we’re only using terms that the kids use these days. That’s the whole pitch.
[ Laughter ] And I want to just point out
that in the pitch, it says, “That’s the whole pitch.”
[ Laughter and applause ] Now make some noise
if you think I should save it. [ Loud cheers and applause ] Make some noise
if I should shred it. [ Cheers ] You know,
I see y’all cheering for both. [ Laughter ] Just a cry for attention
out here in the front. You got saved, “Slangman.” [ Cheers and applause ]
Saved. All right, last up.
Here’s another segment pitch that was rejected
called “Finger Skating.” [ Laughter ] Lord help us all here. [ Laughter ] It’s like figure skating
with your fingers. Really?
[ Laughter ] We’ll dress the little fingers
up like figure skaters and have them do moves
on a tiny ice-skating rink that we’ve built,
all set to “Swan Lake.” [ Laughter ] You know, I’m gonna just say — Okay, first, let me hear
what you have to say. Make some noise if you think
we should save this? [ Cheers ]
No. [ Laughter ] Make some noise
if you think we should shred it. [ Cheers and applause ] But I’ll tell you what.
Tell you what, “Finger Skaters,” we’re gonna shred this
in a special fashion. Okay, hold on just one second. I’ll just bring
my tiny ice rink out here. [ Laughter ] Just get
my little dress on here. [ Light laughter ] One skate. Two skates. Okay, here we go. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Beautiful. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you! That was “Save It or Shred It,”
everybody!

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

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